I felt like I was dying the other day. It was horrible. You see, I was at work and it was getting too late to eat Misa-chan’s dinner. She’s the best, cooking nice dinners for me to take to work, but they’re so huge and I don’t often get the time to eat it early enough. I don’t like coming home at 11pm with a full stomach and going straight to bed. Anyway, this night I avoided her dinner because I didn’t get the time to have it, and on the way home stopped for some petrol, also picking up a traveller pie to munch on before I arrived home. I got home around 11:30pm and went to bed soon after. About 12:30am I felt like I was going to throw up, but didn’t think much of it and went back to trying to sleep. It was much too hard to sleep as it was hot, and I had Ween’s Spinal Meningitis stuck in my head on repeat.
The time escapes me but I’m thinking it was around 1:30am that that feeling of being sick happened again. I went to the bathroom, kneeled in front of the toilet and out it came. It was just liquid, no sign of the recently-eaten pie, and I think I woke up the whole apartment block with retching and calls to Jesus. I immediately felt better, got to bed and said “I’m okay now, I was just sick.”.
Then comes the interrogation. You see, Misa-chan was suspicious the moment I walked in the door and I denied eating any of 7-Eleven’s finest. I’m a terrible liar and had to come clean. I had a pie on the way home, I said. I knew it! That’s karma!
Once again the time I’m unsure of, but I guess it’s about 2:30am and I’ve had about an hour of sleep. My throat is dry and I take a mouthful of water. Ahhhh. No, wait. I run to the bathroom, kneel once again and let more out. “Are you okay?” “No, I’m sick!” And more vomit comes out. And then in a flash, darkness. In the five seconds I was out, which felt like 5 minutes, I could hear Misa-chan and feel her shaking my arm but I couldn’t respond. I was gone. Then when coming back to life it was that familiar feeling of confusion. Huh? Wha? Then pain. The biggest cramp ever started in my calf muscle and I had to stretch it out, while avoiding the mess on the floor. I rinsed the vomit taste out of my mouth, made my way to bed and tried to sleep again.
It would’ve been about 4:30am that I had another mouthful of water because my mouth and throat were so dry. That bottle of water beside my bed was cursed as I immediately felt sick, making my way to the bathroom. I fainted again mid-spew, again with no notice, just an instant blackout. This wasn’t good. I sat up against the bathroom wall for a bit, and soon started to feel better. I’m very pale, with a mouth so dry, tasting like spew, so I have another mouthful of water. And there we go, the fourth vomit of the night. And no foolin’, I fainted a third time. It was the third time I’d suffered an instant fainting. Thankfully, I was low every time because I’d have hit my head on the wall, floor, bathroom sink, toilet, anything had I been standing. Misa-chan was again there to comfort me, which was also scary for her at the same time. She’s only seen my faint once. I didn’t realise at the time that I couldn’t keep down liquids, it hadn’t crossed my mind, and wasn’t until later that it clicked. Anyway…
We need to call an ambulance! No, it’s fine, I’m fine, just a little sick, I’ll be okay, I just want sleep, sweetheart. Us men are stupidly stubborn. Guys, just listen to your wife, she knows best. Serious.
My mouth stayed dry for another few hours and by 7:00am – I saw the time – decided it was best to have some water. I was so dehydrated, and I reached for the bottle beside the bed. And right on cue, there’s that feeling again. Racing to the toilet for the fourth time, I again vomit out almost nothing, just retching hard with a little watery reward, and then boom. I fainted for the fourth time in one night. I come to in 5-10 seconds, sit against the wall. I feel terrible. I’ve had an hour or so of sleep in 24 hours, I’ve just thrown up five times, fainting 4 times. It was time for help.
We called the overnight nurse and with the answers we gave she decided to put us through to the ambulance. They arrived not long after and took me to the hospital. I had this little tablet to help keeping nausea at bay, and Misa-chan was enjoying the journey in the passenger seat. In the ambulance I managed to have a sip of water without being sick. Bonus! We reached the hospital, and I was quickly pushed into the ward.
The nurse and doctor were really good and I spent four hours being treated. I needed a blood test. Okay, I’ll just look to the right while you do it. Nope! They insert a 1-2 inch long cannula into my wrist, which was so painful, and then darkness started setting in. I was 80% of the way to fainting, but when I followed the nurse’s repeated calls to focus on my breathing the darkness was soon gone. The blood was taken, and then the elecrtrolyte drip was attached. I immediately felt better.
When the drip was finished an hour or so later, the nurse returned with a COVID swab. I’ve been lucky to never have had COVID, or the need for a swab test, and I got my first ever taste of the brain tickler. It made my eyes water, I didn’t like it – who would? – but it came back negative.
The doctor come by with the blood test results which were all good, and they put my sickness down to food poisoning. They also said it might not have been, as food poisoning takes hours to start and it’s usually shooting out both ends, whereas I just spewed two hours after eating and didn’t have the Jimmy Brits. We left the hospitsl around 1:00pm and got a super expensive taxi ride home. I didn’t care about the cost, I was feeling way better. When I got home, I called the Brisbane hotel I’d booked to cancel the reservation I’d made for Misa-chan’s birthday. Also cancelled the Apple Store appointments – we needed a new phone and watch battery – and cancelled dinner. Instead of a night in the city, I had a 12 hour sleep. We did make it to Brisbane the next day, Misa’s actual birthday, so I didn’t totally ruin it after all.
And the it I mentioned in the first sentence, that’s talking about meat pies. I haven’t had one since. I really love my pies, but I’m still a bit iffy on whether to try one again or not.
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